When it's hard to accept help

In a coaching call this week, a client was describing being offered help by someone more senior in her industry, but she hadn’t followed it up. How hard people can find it to ask for help is a theme that’s come up in coaching conversations more than once recently.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said. “I can’t meet this person for coffee without having something to offer them.”

As if support has to be bartered for. As if receiving help, on its own, is somehow indulgent or unequal. I asked what evidence she had that this person was expecting anything in return. Maybe it really was just a genuine offer of help or advice.

I asked another question.

“How does it feel when you help someone else?”

The answer came quickly. It feels good. I feel useful.

So I followed up with the obvious next question. “How do you think that other person might feel if they’re able to help you?”

There was a pause. And then a smile.

It was one of those moments coaching offers up from time to time, where you can almost see something shift. And it was also yet another reminder that the lessons I hear in coaching are often ones I need to take on board myself.

This hesitation to ask for help is something I see regularly in charity leadership. Leaders who feel they have to be endlessly resilient, endlessly capable, carrying all the weight. No time for self‑care, let alone care from others.

But leadership without care isn’t sustainable. And care includes letting go of the idea that everything has to be earned, justified or transactional. Sometimes it’s enough to stop pushing on. Sometimes it’s enough to accept the offer.

Maybe the most generous thing you can do is allow someone else the chance to help.

What am I reading? 📚

I enjoyed The Wedding People by Alison Espach recently. Not an improving experience, not coursework, just a good read.

What am I watching? 👀

Is climbing tall things useful? One evening this week, I watched Alex Honnold edge his way up a the side of 101 floor building in Taipei. Netflix had originally broadcast it live with a 2 second delay in case he fell off. I don't think I could have brought myself to watch it live in case he did fall off. He didn't.

What am I listening to?👂

A dark and shameful week in UK politics. This episode of Electoral Dysfunction is worth listening to.

A listener's contribution:

I can no longer accept men giving each other the benefit of the doubt around rumour and innuendo all these men who were friendly with Epstein decided it was politically and financially expedient to cosy up to him because women and girls do not matter.

100%

Joy-giving things 😍

Somewhat soggy here this week but look at the little worlds you can see in each raindrop.

I wish you all a restful and indulgent weekend

Take care!

Lucy

ChangeOut is created by Lucy Caldicott. You can find more about my work at ChangeOut.org. If you’re looking to have a 1:1 about culture, leadership, purpose, equity, or a facilitated team discussion about any of those things, get in touch. You can also find me on Instagram, LinkedIn, and 🎬 YouTube.

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