How to be the one they tell

Many people who confide in a colleague about burnout will have rehearsed the conversation for weeks and very nearly not raised it at all. The response determines whether they say anything else, to you or to anyone else.

Here are some ways of getting it wrong, all well-intended, but still wrong.

Leaping ahead into problem-solving. Have you thought about taking some leave? Have you spoken to HR? Could you delegate elements of your work? These are all sensible ideas but these questions might seem like an attempt to make the conversation go away.

Showing solidarity. Gosh yes, I know what you mean. I'm shattered too, everyone is. This is meant to be supportive, but it redirects the focus of the conversation away from the speaker’s experience and onto your personal history. The other person may feel encouraged to stop sharing and start asking you about your experience instead.

Reassurance. You're doing brilliantly. Nobody's noticed a thing. This is kind but contradicts what they have just worked up the nerve to tell you. They said they're drowning. You said they look fine. It’s another approach that could shut them down.

In my video last week I mentioned something a colleague said to me, when I was running a relentlessly self-critical commentary in my own head. She said I was being very hard on myself for struggling in a difficult situation.

I've thought back to that moment and why her comment worked and I think it’s because she didn't try to fix anything. She didn't tell me I was fine, because I wasn't. She moved the difficulty off me and onto the situation, which is where it belonged, and she did it in one sentence and then let it go.

So if someone confides in you some time, here is what I'd suggest:

• Believe them and whatever they've described, assume it took some doing to admit it out loud. Also, consider that they might have minimised things, so maybe the situation is actually worse than what they're describing.
• Put the difficulty where it lives, i.e. in the circumstances, rather than in the person. Not you are struggling, but this is a very hard situation and you have been in it for a long time. One of them is a verdict on a person. The other is an accurate description of the conditions they find themselves in.
• Then come back to it. One conversation is a conversation. A fortnight later try asking, unprompted, how things are going. Doing that turns you into someone they know they can confide in.

And if you are their manager, this is a different conversation entirely. Sympathy from someone with the power to change the conditions, offered instead of changing the conditions, is worse than no conversation at all. It tells the person you have seen the situation clearly, understood it, and decided to leave it as it is. If you can adjust the workload, adjust it. If you genuinely can't, say so plainly and say what you can do instead. What you cannot do is be warm about it and change nothing.

Something new from me - starting next month

I'm opening a private community called In The Room, a closed space for honest conversations about work, peer support from people who are living through difficult situations, and direct access to me.

I'm inviting the first 50 people in for free for three months, and I'd love you to be among them. If you're dealing with something at work that you haven't been able to talk about properly, this might be the place.

Express your interest here

Useful links 🔗

How to support someone with a mental health problem

Getting help for someone in a crisis

What am I reading? 📚

A Long Petal of the Sea by Isabel Allende, a historical novel set in the aftermath of the Spanish Civil War.

What am I watching? 👀

The third part of my recent burnout series went out on Wednesday, on how to survive it when leaving isn't an option. Six practical things, for the people who can't just walk away. Here if you need them.

Joy-giving things 😍

I've been trying to see some positives out of our dry new normal - although it's hard to see the devastation caused by the wildfires we've had.

Generally when there's a celestial event in the UK, it's cloudy. Not for the partial eclipse last week, which coincided with the Perseid meteor shower, so we could even see some shooting stars on the same evening. It was special to see them but I'd have rather had cloud and rain and no wildfires to be honest.

Wishing you all an excellent weekend,

Lucy

I've been writing regular blogs since 2020. If you want to have a look at my back catalogue, they are all here.

If you're wondering whether coaching might help you think through where you are and where you're going next, I'd love to hear from you.

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