The most useful thing I said was nothing

For thirty years, the most useful thing I could do in a room was speak. Have the answer. Make the decision. Tell someone what I thought they should do, and even tell them how to do it.

As part of my coaching training, I am now training myself out of that. It's a real change in perspective.

For the written assignment I have to reflect on my own development as a coach. I've had to look back over my journal since I started the programme, read through all the feedback from the tutors and my mentor, and - excruciatingly - listen back over the recordings I've made of my own coaching sessions. It's been fascinating hearing me develop from rushing to fill a silence with my next questions, to feeling comfortable enough to allow silence.

A client of mine, the kind of person who is very good at fixing things, came to a session a few weeks ago with a decision she needed to make about her senior team. She talked it through. I have run organisations. I have faced exactly this sort of situation before, more than once, and I knew immediately what I would do in her shoes. Every instinct from my thirty year career of being looked to for answers was telling me to just say it.

I made myself keep quiet. Then I asked her what she was afraid would happen if she trusted her own judgement on this. Slowly her own answer emerged and it wasn't the answer I would have given her. It was better, because it was hers, and she could see exactly why it was right in a way she never would have if I'd just shared my suggestions.

It's been a big shift for me. For most of my career, value has meant expertise. It was knowing something the other person didn't, and giving it to them. Coaching has taught me that value can also mean believing someone already has what they need, and being patient enough, and silent enough, to let them find it. I am working towards accreditation with the International Coaching Federation. Their Code of Ethics, which I must uphold if I am accredited, requires me to treat my clients as equals and work in partnership with them. Telling them what to do would breach that, because it implies the coach is the expert and the client is somehow lesser. Learning to listen means trusting that the client's own thinking, given enough room, will get further than your advice ever could.

This doesn't mean my expertise disappears. I still bring decades of leadership experience into every coaching conversation I'm in.

But I'm learning to keep all that to one side because this isn't about me.

What am I reading? 📚

I haven't read it yet but I'm excited for my incredible friend, Rebecca Hardy, who's taken a break from teaching to write. She has her first novel this week, The Summer We Lied.

What am I watching? 👀

I LOVED watching Serena Williams' return to Wimbledon this week. It was wonderful to see her back. Here's the BBC's intro to her ❤️

What am I listening to?👂

And another awesome friend, Amy Lamé, did an interview with legendary film-maker John Waters this week.

Joy-giving things 😍

A Mr Freeze on a hot day.

Have a great weekend,

Lucy

ChangeOut is created by Lucy Caldicott. You can find more about my work at ChangeOut.org.

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